I started meditating at around 10:50 PM. It was the deepest
meditation I have ever experienced to date. While in a meditative space, I
could see and feel the “space” that was behind my eye lids expand. I felt like I
was in a different world. I concentrated on this without any thoughts interfering.
I could also feel my third eye opening which is something I often experience.
It’s like tingling sensation or a pressure close to the center of my forehead. I
could clearly feel the blood flowing through my veins and my heart beating. It
was pure bliss and I did not want to stop. I meditated for about 50 minutes.
This was the longest time I have ever mediated. It did not feel that long
though. Time seemed to escape from me during this period.
I think I may have been entering the astral realm. I would
sink deeper into myself and I remember having this feeling of my body and
soul/spirit separating. I cannot explain what this felt like. It was more of an
intuitive feeling. I had a few fleeting images of myself as I was during this
state as well as the sky and lights. This, however, did not last long.
As one would expect, I felt calm and at peace when I came
out of meditation. However, very shortly after I started to become very aware
of my own body and it felt like I was out of reality. I began to have
distressing thoughts. What if the mediation caused this? What if I never feel
calm and at peace again? These thoughts along with my already anxious state
transpired into a panic attack. I felt like I was back where I started (I dealt
with panic and anxiety my whole life). I couldn't make sense of what was
happening.
I decided to do some research and I became bombarded with
articles about the “negative” effects of mediation. My mind ran away with some ridiculous
ideas which only exacerbated my panic attack. I slept on it, did a bit more research,
and vented to my dad. I came up with a few ideas as to what was happening.
1. The first explanation is that I simply started
over thinking, as I often do, and my body responded with anxiety. It had nothing
to do with meditation and was merely a coincidence. Pretty basic and self explanatory.
2. The next explanation is that mediation can bring
to surface suppressed anxiety. Anxiety that we have not come to terms with.
This happens so that we can come to terms with it, put it in our past, and move
on. It’s an emotional, mental, or spiritual detox if you will.
I feel that explanation 2 is more likely because of the way I choose to handle the situation. In the past, I would have let anxiety take over me or try so hard to suppress it. This time was different. I acknowledged that I was feeling anxiety but I did not attach any reason to it nor did I attach myself to it. Similar to what happened to me during mediation, I separated myself from the anxiety. Something that I was unable to do, nor would I want to, in the past. The symptoms of anxiety and panic slowly started to subside and I could feel myself come back to baseline which actually felt a little more relaxed than what it usually does. Yes, this was an uncomfortable experience. But with it, I feel like I am stronger mentally and spiritual.
August 1, 2016
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